Awakenings

My New Year has officially started. Today, I mean. Yes, I'm behind the times. But I had some lingering business to wrap up before I could allow my head to think "2009." None of it was related to 2008's 3 IVFs or 2 doomed IVF-induced pregnancies; yet, somehow, because the work originated during the year in which said experiences dominated the main stage in my own personal IVFapalooza, I couldn't quite begin to close down the festival until I'd finished.

Did you follow that? How's this: I, just now, am starting to feel like my life beyond IVF and its various outcomes can proceed. It's good as bad things go. It's not what I wanted, but both my head and heart know it's time to move on.

All week long as I checked things off the list and got closer to this beginning, I noticed a realignment of my attention. The need to keep a single-minded focus faded, and the proverbial fog lifted. I saw many glimpses of the "me" I used to know:

Hey, that's right, you like to follow the news! Wait . . . how on earth did you forget the new business-related website you started building last year? That was a pretty good idea. Oh yeah, leaving the house can be fun! What's that? Are you singing in the car, just a little bit? Welcome back! Where have you been, anyway?

While waiting for my turn in the shower this morning, I toured my laughably messy home with newly open eyes (and ears). Along the way I closed a random closet door that must have been open since last June. I actually heard the annoying furnace noise DH has been grumbling about for ages (geez, it IS annoying). And I quickly envisioned a prioritized game plan for dealing with the physical chaos I saw.

Now, I know that the emotional wreckage in the house can't be cleared on a tidy little timeline, but I take comfort in knowing that swinging back into so-called normal activities will help DH and me keep going as we figure out what our future holds. What does our family look like? If this is "it," does the life we're living fit with that picture?

I'm awake now. I'm up. Wish me luck with that.

October's path

Today in relevant history:

• 1987 — Knew my October AF was everything but normal. Couldn't begin to fathom that the things that do/don't grow inside my uterus would so profoundly affect not just that year, but the next 20+.
• 1995 — Married my sweetheart.
• 2000 — Knew I needed a second myomectomy.
• 2003 — Started TTC for our 8th anniversary.
• 2007 — "Skipped" our 12th anniversary because I was in the hospital for surgery that would allow us to try IVF.
• 2008 (that's today) — Hugged DH extra hard at 5:58 am when he whispered "Happy anniversary," then teared up when he added a soft "thank you."
  

Cycle status:

• Day 4 of stims.
• Feeling strong and not too stressed.
• Bloating is trying to start.
• Headache pops up about an hour before my shots each evening. (Can you say, "Hormone dip"?)
  
• Day 5 monitoring tomorrow.

Things I'm doing to help myself stay calm and focused:

• Staying ahead of my work.
• Listening to meditation CDs and music.
• Reading books.
  
• Watching movies.
• Flipping through magazines.
• Using the "good" lotions and potions.
  
• Going to twice-weekly acupuncture sessions.
• Soaking my feet nightly in warm water. (Gotta get that blood and good Qi moving!)
  
• Taking fistfuls of vitamins and supplements.
• Consuming IVF-/fertility-friendly foods.
• Drinking plenty of water.
• Getting enough sleep.
  
• Walking the dog (see photo for today's path).
  
• Cooking and baking.
• Consciously choosing positivity.
  
• Planning for an "IVF #3 failed" future.
• Trusting that an "IVF #3 worked" future is possible.
  

7 random things

Tara tagged me for a meme today, and I decided to pounce the minute after seeing it . . . otherwise, as experience tells me, I will not get back to it.

It's called the "7 Random Things About Me" meme. You're supposed to link to the person that tagged you, post the rules, share your 7 random/weird things, and tag 7 new people in their comments sections.

Here's my list:

1. I've largely ignored my work-related blog since starting this one. I look forward to spending more time with the part of myself that really cares about my work — and lots of other things too — in the not-too-distant future, come what may.
2. Number of hot sauce bottles on a small Lazy Susan in my tea-and-hot-sauce cupboard: 11.
   
3. I am uncomfortable using silverware that has been handwashed and air dried in the drying rack. Same goes for glassware. When I see them in the rack (I say "see" because I don't put them there), I will either transfer them to the dishwasher or rewash/dry them myself. DH has no idea.
4. When I was little, I became absolutely convinced that my sister was a vampire. For a while I slept with a small cross under my pillow, just in case.
5. I got a haircut last night, and despite showering and using my own shampoo and styling goop this morning, I can still smell the 5 types of goop my stylist used in my hair. (Yes, 5 — and she didn't even use hairspray.)
6. I'm about to make brunch reservations for Sunday at a restaurant about 1,800 miles away.
   
7. I don't like to tag other people for memes — so I'm skipping it! If you'd like to play, feel free to post your 7 things and tag 7 other people. You can also badmouth me for being a spoil-sport player!
   

New weeks rule!

It's been quite the week since I last checked in. Just when I was feeling smug for regaining some measure of control over how my days played out, things went nuts on me!

Nothing truly serious happened. Just a bunch of things that can throw a gal for some loops:

We had a sick dog that required lots of extra monitoring (and cleaning) and care (and cleaning). She's doing better right now. Hoping the good health sticks.

We fought the scourge of fleas (which, long story super-short, we now think we never had). Talk about situations that leave you feeling physically and emotionally drained . . . and helpless . . . and gross.

I got whiplash from the offer/implosion of a juicy last-minute "We must have YOU . . . NOW" writing gig. I frantically called in favors so I could fit it into my schedule, and then — just like that, as I was ready to dig in — I heard from the client, "Oh, were you counting on that? Sorry. We've killed that deal." Ah, well. Looks like I'll have just part-time work during the upcoming IVF. Maybe that's for the best.

A clinic employee who had (with NO prompting from me) flat-out offered to front us some sample meds for this IVF totally backtracked last week. When I called to plan my pharmacy order, it became clear that the "I want to help you guys out" conversation never officially happened. Grrrr. Luckily when we made our decision we factored in the possibility of that "help" saving us $0. But still. Grrrr.

My severe allergies paid a visit and then I had an allergic reaction to the allergy meds. Who knew that solid red rashes ("Look, it's Mother Teresa's face on my thigh!") and severe abdominal pain were potential side effects from a popular 24-hour OTC antihistamine. The abdominal thing is really rare, but I'm special. Yay! I was thisclose to an ER visit, but the on-call nurse's advice got me through the night.

And, as the perfect topper, all the round-the-clock nose blowing I did gave me a red-hot ear infection. I can't tell you how peeved I get when I need a doctor's visit for, uh, health reasons. I know it's silly, but it makes me feel weak. Like a big fat failure. (I know. It's a wee problem.) The fact that my PCP, who does NOT like to prescribe medications (a reason I like him), said that I had to take antibiotics didn't help my mindset. In the last calendar year alone — all due to having surgeries and so far completing two IVF cycles — I've taken more rounds of antibiotics than I have in at least 25 years, maybe even my life. And needing the pills now for an actual illness I felt responsible for inflicting (I already acknowledged it's a problem, okay?) pi$$ed me off something fierce!! I am against what I believe to be the long-time overuse of antibiotics in our culture. Of course I want people to get them when necessary. And I am a people. But all I could think about that first night (and I was up for all of it, shivering with fever and coughing/nose-blowing my brains out) was well here's another lovely side effect of IF: my year-long spate of antibiotics-swallowing (DH's too) may mean that I will now need more of them going forward . . . and so now I can add personally contributing to the rise of drug-resistant bugs that will effectively end the world to the list of things I thought I'd never do in the seemingly simple interest of trying (and trying . . . and trying) to have a baby. I've calmed down about that one since my fever broke Friday night.

I'm so glad it's a new week . . .

It's sunny and hot and blue. My marigolds are in full purple bloom. The house is definitely insect free. All clothing, carpets, and upholstered items are clean, and all surfaces are up to Mom's-visiting standards. I actually tasted my breakfast egg and nectarine. The dog is lolling in a sunbeam with a little grin on her face. I have no tissue in my hand (or pocket, or on the desk). I got an overdue paycheck in the mail. Tonight DH is running my errands and bringing dinner home.

Today is a fantastic day to be alive!

8 hours till I'm on the road to beta

Yikes, I thought it was 10 pm, but I was wrong. I need to be in my car at 7 am tomorrow to ensure that I make it to my 7:45 beta draw on time. I'll be there. Then I'll have to drive back home, still in rush-hour traffic, and get ready to teach a class at noon. I tried doing the prep work for the class this evening, but that didn't work out. Instead I talked DH to sleep on a different coast, fielded a couple of calls from people wanting to know how I'm holding up (fine today, thanks), and ate a very large artichoke for dinner while watching The Office.

My brain is mush. I did a bunch of work and interacted with several colleagues today. But darned if I can tell you what I really accomplished. I'm a list maker by nature, but my lists usually fade into the background once I finish them. Today, though, I relied on a list to keep me going and, more important, to serve as a record of what I actually did. 'Cause without it, I was unable to reliably track anything. Guess my mind was otherwise engaged.

My 4 embies

We were shocked to learn that we still had 6 embryos chugging along yesterday. We chose to put back 4. The other 2 were of lesser quality but not bad. We'll find out tomorrow whether they make it to the blastocyst stage and can be frozen for a future cycle.

I'll have to do a later post about both the ER and transfer experiences, but I'm not up for that today. (They were good.) Although I'm supposed to be on bedrest, I've just spent the morning dealing with "emergency" work issues. The non-emergent kind that come up only when some people remember you've taken a couple days off. The work wasn't physically taxing, just annoying. I need to get back to my feet-up/nothing-else-on-my-mind state for the rest of the day.

Here's yesterday's photo of our 4 little 8-celled wonders. Behold the miracles!

All triggered up and no place to go (just yet)

Took my HCG trigger shot at 8:00 tonight. I'd been feeling a smidge nervous about doing the IM injection myself, but last night I had an epiphany. It went something like this:

Why worry?

So I didn't. Just mixed and jabbed. No prob.

Now I finish getting ahead on work enough to leave it alone from Friday (ER at 7:30 am) through Tuesday. DH's flight tomorrow will get him home by noon. He is exhausted, so we need to get him a nice nap.

Today's appointment report for those who follow such deets:

7 follicles at 18–20 mm
2 follicles at 15 mm
3 follicles at 12–13 mm

Dr. L will do the retrieval. I'd hoped to get Dr. K (my RE), Dr. D, or Dr. L. So I'm happy.

I had a tough time not crying on the drive home. I kept having strong surges of happiness/hopefulness about where things stand, remembering the "sick" from how things went before, and generally feeling hopped up on hormones. One minute I'd laugh at a corny morning-radio bit, then I'd be angry at the cell-phone user slowing down traffic. Just about lost it when I heard a clinic ad stressing how most patients don't even need IVF. ("Hey, chances are you'll get pregnant just by MEETING our super-smart staff!" Yes, I exaggerate.) Then, while finally walking into the house, I caught myself whistling. I don't whistle, btw.

DH just may get his wish of witnessing some authentic drug-induced mood swings!

Breathe with me, people!

I took the day off today, mostly, and as lovely as that sounds, I almost wish I hadn't. I do so much better with the IVF process (even just the gearing-up part) when I have pressing work.

This morning, I got through to all the people I wanted to talk to yesterday. Which is great because it solidified plans. But it also made everything Real, and left me with nothing to do but

• answer 3 short work emails
• seriously consider but not follow through with doing laundry, running errands, mopping the kitchen floor, actually working anyway, cleaning my office, and mopping the kitchen floor (yes, considered that twice — you would too if you could see it)
• FREAK myself right on out

Ah, well. Had to happen sooner or later. Guess it's time to breathe.

Choices

Today I'm grappling with an issue of work, finances, energy, and emotional health. How do all those things affect an IVF cycle? And me?

I'm a freelancer, so I'm constantly hustling to keep a steady workload. Work begets work, and all that.

Well, a major project of mine was slated to finish up by the end of March. Now, though, it has been extended by 3 months and the client just offered me the job of seeing the thing through to the end. The pay is good. It amounts to, naturally, the exact cost of our IVF cycle. (Why does it have to be that very amount? What does that MEAN, mighty Universe?)

I want to say yes, because that is how you keep your business going. It can be feast or famine, and you never know when the next dead period might hit. If it's a good deal and you know you can pull it off (even if that means you put in long, long days), you say yes.

On the other hand, I want to say no. I had a TERRIBLE time keeping it together during the last cycle attempt. I wasn't overly emotional or stressed, but I was impossibly distracted. That Lupron messed me up. Somehow I accomplished all work goals, but it was rough going. Should I really set myself up for that a second time?

Here's the part where I talk myself through it.

Possible reasons to accept the job:

• I won't be on Lupron this time.
• I've done this before and might be better at it a second time.
• The money on top of other expected income would make those 3 months particularly lucrative for this or any year.
• This would be extra money that we weren't factoring in when we decided to go ahead.
• Taking it keeps me in good with a client I want to keep happy.
• I think being super busy helped me not obsess too much over the last cycle.
• If things don't go well with the cycle, having the extra work may help me cope.
• Work may indeed be the only thing I have to keep me busy in my old age, so I should focus on that.

Possible reasons to decline the job:

• I will still be on drugs, one of them new. I don't know how I'll feel.
  
• This would be a heavier workload than I had during the last cycle. It's really too much, and my list should stop here.
• I should create breathing room where I can, and not be the catalyst for my own suffocation.
• I have enough other work lined up anyway.
• This would be extra money that we weren't factoring in when we decided to go ahead.
• I've already made this client happy.
• I can't do everything just because it's there.
• I can't do something just because the client wants me to. (This is a different concept than the one above.)
• After 15 years in the business and 6 working for myself with maybe 2 too-short-for-my-liking dead times, I need to acknowledge that I am not in a feast-or-famine situation. I can get more work.
• What kind of crap attitude is that last point under "reasons to accept"?

The Universe (or its minions) is toying with me by dangling that exact cycle fee in my face. If it was any other amount, it wouldn't stand out as anything but extra work I don't need. But because it equals the cost of IVF, I'm in the position of choosing money and meaningless pursuits over sanity and my best shot at getting my heart's desire. Something Else over Me.

I'm calling the Universe's bluff and choosing Me for a change. Now is as good a time as any to mix things up.

Back to the blog, back to the IVF life

Technically it's been 10 days since my last post, but I've interacted with the blog since then. Gave it some special one-on-one time. My Blogger dashboard shows 3 half-finished posts and 1 over-finished manifesto. I'm moving that to my private journal before somebody gets hurt. The other bits originated under the influence of flu and probably weren't going anywhere anyway.

Guess what? As my title suggests, we've decided to try IVF one more time. The decision-making process was complicated, but we're doing it, for better or "we'll be okay." Good result, bad result, we want one good try on the books before turning the page.

We're working through whether to start right away or wait one more cycle. Timing-wise for DH's job happenings, it would be better for us to get going asap. But biology (mine) will trump convenience (sorry, Giant Aerospace Company). Dr. K wants a confirmed natural ovulation as the cycle go-ahead, so I'll get a 7 DPO progesterone check next week. Not sure if we check for cysts then or wait for Day 3.

I'll follow the antagon protocol this time: no BCPs, no Lupron (amen!); Ganirelix to stop the LH surge; Follistim and Menopur for stimulation; HCG trigger; Medrol for assisted hatching; PIO for progesterone support.

Here we go!

Can't talk now, but I heard from my RE

How's that for a teaser? I've got a lot to say, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT RIGHT NOW! Thanks for clicking.

I just got off the phone with Dr. K. We had a productive chat that covered everything I wanted to. I will go in soon to confirm that my cyst has gone away and discuss whichever treatment scenario DH and I decide to pursue. And that comes with a big "if any."

Wish I could stay and post away, but — just as Dr. K is trying to catch up on her work after vacation — I am still frantically trying to catch up on work that got the short shrift while I put making it through the IVF cycle first on my to-dos. (Well, it's not "just like" it.)

I should finish my current project tomorrow at the latest. My client has been an absolute gem about accommodating me these last several weeks. She doesn't even know why I had to renegotiate our schedule, but she just said, "Do what you need to do."

I dearly want to experience my normal feeling of slight control over my days before thinking of anything else TTCwise. A rash of evenings and maybe one whole weekend off would be cool, too.

Day 7 and still in the game

Stayed off the Internets most of yesterday. I had to catch up with work. And now I am good for at least a couple of days. Hope my client can't tell that I did what normally takes me 3–5 full workdays in about 10 hours, ending at 3:15 am. Who knows, maybe it's my best work ever.

DH did not believe me the other day when I emailed to say that I was unable to track a thought for more than a minute. I asked if he was calling me a LIAR, and he said no, just a HYPERBOLIST. He hasn't even noticed that since last week I regularly have almost no idea what we're discussing . . . or if we're discussing. I do know when he's talking, of course. And if I ask a question I care about, I can pay attention long enough to take in the answer. But only if I squint.

Today's info:

I got lots of attention and was fine with it. I arrived at 7:22 as they were turning on the main lights, and I was whisked off for bloodwork before I could even fully focus on People's side-by-side comparison of Jessica Simpson's lips from 2005 and 2007. If I am lucky, I will get to read the captions tomorrow.

Four people attended this wanding. (Verbed it!) Sonographer, nurse, Dr. D (today's normal procedure doc), and Dr. K, who came in early to try to see me. She joined Dr. D and me as he was giving his opinion. She missed the part where he brought up my Tuesday appointment and said he did not like that I'd received conflicting messages from the team. I told him I was over it but that, yes, I considered Tuesday's communication with me to be poor.

Sorry for going on and on, but I'm running on drugs and less than 3 hours' sleep and don't have the mental strength to type anything but my thoughts as they come. That's why I will now type that I didn't know it was Valentine's Day until the phlebotomist said the embryology lab was swimming in black balloons. And, did I mention that I walked on a "sidewalk" the other day during the lunchtime rush that was actually the newly paved 4th lane of a very busy thoroughfare? I won't give further details. They make me shudder.

Yes, the report! Feel free to start here:

(1) The 4 decent follicles are hanging in at 19mm, 14 mm, 14mm, and 13 mm. The sonographer went ahead and measured 2 others — 8 mm and 6.5 mm — and called the other 2 "less thans." They did not take umbrage. But the 19 mm one was told to not get too far ahead of the other 3 good ones.

(2) My cyst is still growing. And again, I am to stop thinking about that.

(3) Day 5 E2 was 545, and Dr. K said that was great and expects today's to be great too.

(4) Both Dr. D and Dr. K think we should go ahead but were careful to say that my odds have lowered since the cycle outset based on my response to the meds. They were already low, maybe 15%. But it is so much higher than 0%, which has been our actual success rate since 2003 and our RE-predicted-odds for trying naturally since 2005. I purposely bit my tongue to stop myself from asking for a new percentage. It doesn't matter anymore, because we are either making it to retrieval and taking what we get then or converting to IUI if things look worse just before retrieval. (A few minutes before? The day before? I did not clarify that one.)

Starting here works too:

(5) Current thinking is that I will trigger tomorrow or Saturday, for a Sunday or Monday retrieval.

The rest of my day will include a dog walk, a nap, some kind of takeout, a foot soaking (you are right, Polly!), and maybe the positive meditation CD that tells me my body knows what to do right now. I have acupuncture right after my ultrasound tomorrow, and I'm hoping I can get in for that on the weekend, too.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Day 4 on stims

My main side effect right now is I CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON WORK. Not for nothin'.

I go in for my Day 5 bloodwork and ultrasound tomorrow — they skipped the Day 3 session for me because, I think, they don't expect to see much early activity from the old girl. That and/or they wanted to minimize their Sunday visitors.

My current worry is that 34 days on BCPs oversuppressed me. I just want to start knowing how things are going.

Here's hoping that acknowledging my impatience will help me work on work now. I really do need to. In 3 hours at my desk I've only racked up about 10 minutes of productivity.

Must not post while distracted

I came thisclose to sending that last post to my business-related blog instead of this one. I think the two blogs change positions on the Blogger dashboard as I update, and I clicked on "New post" for the wrong one this morning. Caught it just as I was publishing. Thank goodness. That's all I need. Although, if the main client I'm working with right now clicked on it, she'd be able to say, "Ah, so THAT'S what's up with her weird work schedule and time away from the office lately."

Dang, that hurts

Did nothing but work, walk, and bathe the pupper yesterday (that's her looking sparkly and smelling clean at breakfast today). No trips to the clinic. I planned to work in the evening, but the late-afternoon headache I'd successfully ignored blossomed over dinner. It turned screaming on me and made me wish I hadn't eaten.

As a rule I don't get many headaches, but when I do they pretty clearly come from stress/eye-strain or hormonal shifts. This one was definitely hormonal. I've been getting the same one every few cycles during ovulation time for about a year. I may be wrong, but I've been assuming I get them during a big ol' estrogen surge as my tired ol' reproductive system struggles to spit out an egg. Obviously I'm not ovulating now, but we know the cyst is producing estrogen. This headache doesn't respond to Tylenol (I think aspirin performs slightly better, but I'm not supposed to take that right now), and it doesn't like noise or light or air. Sometimes a hit of cranberry juice will dull it. Probably any fruit juice would do, but we usually have just V8 or plain tomato juice open with cranberry on hand in case of emergency need for cosmos.

Anyway, the cranberry trick did nothing, nor did a why-not shot of pomegranate juice — also a good mixer. (Just btw, no, I'm not imbibing at all while we're cycling.) So I shut down my computer and took to the bed with my fertility meditation CD. That last part was DH's idea. I was so focused on how those few hours of not working might affect my ability to meet my next deadline that he predicted that lying down with nothing but my regular thoughts might not be the best medicine.

He was right, but I'm still not digging the exercises on this CD. I bought two CDs. One specifically for general fertility and one geared toward taking you through the steps of an IVF cycle, from injections to pregnancy test. I haven't done the second one yet because I haven't started the injects. So I'm just using the first one. While I do benefit from concentrating on better breathing, I don't like what I perceive to be a negative approach to getting me to feel better. The narrative basically tells you that you are infertile because your thoughts make you so. You are blocking the soul of the new life trying to enter your clenched-up womb each month. Your sadness/anger/frustration/stress is the only thing responsible for your infertility. That you are infertile is your fault.

Ouch.

Now, the second part of the exercise tells you to stop everything that you're doing to sabotage your fertility. Yet it's not all that soothing and reassuring. Not to me, anyway. If I were creating an exercise, I'd want the listener to dispense with the negative thoughts. And naturally she would have to acknowledge them. But I wouldn't spend the bulk of the time focusing so closely on them only to then vaguely mention switching over to the positive frame. I would spend most of the time guiding the listener to think happy, calming, positive thoughts. We'll see how the IVF exercises are structured. I may just revert to taking a bit of time each day to do some deep breathing while listening to soothing, uplifting music.

The headache is gone today, thank goodness. But now the cyst-area hurts. I'm feeling sharp, stabby pains when I bend or twist at the waist. And it is sore when I press on it. I hope, hope, hope it's not growing. Here's hoping that it hurts because it is shrinking or has ruptured/self-aspirated. I think that's a good thing to hope for, but I don't have time to research all things Ovarian Cyst today. If that's the wrong thing, God and/or Universe and/or Mother Earth and/or My Fertile Soul, please convert my wish to its correct form. Thank you.

I'll know what's up with it tomorrow.

Dreamweaving

Today's a big day. I have my suppression check to make sure I'm on track to start injections. My waking self doesn't feel nervous, but I had violent dreams last night. As in, I was being violent toward a former business associate. Who, of course, never did anything in real life to justify the kicking and stabbing s/he was getting from me in my dream. Scary!

You know, after my first acupuncture treatment last week, I had an exceptionally vivid story dream. It was easy for me to draw a connection between a thought trigger during the treatment to why my dream featured certain characters. Then last night I used my IVF meditation CD for the first time. There's one exercise that tells you to consider negative things you think/have thought about your fertility. Pretty easy, right? But then the voice goes ahead and lists a dozen or more nasty thoughts/terms of its own. In case you need any help. I didn't like that the generation of negativity wasn't left up to me. Hearing "the voice's" list was jarring (I'm not quite as harsh with the IF name-calling as the voice) and also ended up reminding me of entirely different negative life events because the terms didn't seem to apply to IF. At least not in my mind. "Hmmm, I guess I should add barren and empty and imcompetent and stupid to the list of things to call myself tonight. What a helpful, relaxing exercise."

Back to the dream part: I decided that the poor, innocent dream colleague (someone I can't even claim to "know") simply represented Work to me. Whether I was deep-down thinking about how it's tough to balance cycle demands with work schedules . . . or that I was guilty of having focused on work for too many years before TTC . . . or that I just really hated one of my jobs and wanted to hurt it . . . who knows?

The funny thing is, that both acts of dream violence — kicking and stabbing — are in fact the two violent acts I've committed. Ever. In Grade 4, I kicked a boy after warning him that if he called me Bucky one more time I'd have no choice but to kick him square in the shin. He thought I was bluffing. My word was good, though. So I let him have it. It really, really hurt (bad bruise, too), and I really, really, really regretted it. The boy and I were actually on very good terms otherwise. He forgave me (I was sick over it) and refrained from calling me Bucky again until we were all grown up.

On the stabbing incident: When I was 5, I shared a room with my sister. I noticed a pin in our shag carpeting and picked it up just as sis bent down to pick up something else (likely something I wasn't supposed to be breathing on). All I remember is that I was feeling VERY hurt and wronged and helpless about something or other . . . and that the patch of gleaming white bare skin between sis's pants and top — which presented itself right in front of my eyes and within my reach — was too big of a temptation to pass up. So, without much thought at all, I stuck that pin right into her backside.* I didn't feel a thing until she screamed. I've never quite gotten over that one, either. She didn't tell on me, btw, so she must have agreed that she'd had it coming. :)

*DH knows the story and gamely pointed out during the injection class that I'd already had some experience with IM shots!

Saturday haircut and other feats of the mundane

All in all, this has been a pretty good Saturday. Of course I worked all day on each of the previous ones, so this particular Saturday didn't have to try very hard to impress me.

Before leaving for my haircut this morning (my first since well before my October myomectomy — I seriously needed to be shorn!), I studied my IVF cycle calendar, counting and re-counting my upcoming appointments while calculating the damage to next week's work schedule, and I just tried to breathe.

DH sat down with me, and I said, "I'm feeling all nervous this morning."

"About your haircut?" he asked, somewhat surprised.

"Yeah, about my haircut."

"Oh. About other stuff," he said. Then he did the right thing by asking me a bunch of questions about a bunch of things. Such a good boy.

I got an inch and a half (of hair) taken off, and it feels really good. My hairstylist asked whether I'd had "surgery or anything" recently. I didn't even know I needed surgery at my last haircut! She said that my hair felt different and that it was hard to work with. Which makes sense, really, as it takes a while for the anesthetics to work their way out of your system. I remember being told in the 80s to expect a bad perm after surgery for just that reason. The hairstylist told me to take prenatal vitamins for the hair sitch. Ha!

From the salon I went Starbucks for a breather before . . . nothing, really. I ordered a Superfood juice since I'm off the java juice for now.

The very few other things I did today:

Stopped by the library to see if they had anything I could use for this week's work (yes, but it was all checked out); dropped by the bookstore to see if I felt like buying any books (no, and that never happens); paid off the credit cards online so all limits are available to handle Monday's main cycle charges (I see no reason not to rack up some airline miles for our trouble); put new bars of both Ivory and Irish Spring soaps in the shower; sat on my duff while DH changed the sheets, ran out for milk, made brownies, watched golf, walked the dog, and started doing whatever he's been doing for the last couple of hours in another part of the house; and wrote this post.

Time to get up and make dinner. Not sure what it will be, but at least I know we can have brownies later.

Someone moved my Qi

Had my first-ever acupuncture session yesterday. I was there for 2 hours, so with the drive time I was away from my desk for almost 3. I've resigned myself to working odd hours through all of this, so I just made up for lost time by working until 7:00 p.m.

The acupuncturist works with my RE's clinic, and the course of treatment I'm doing with her is designed to address my fertility issues and complement my IVF protocol. She began with a thorough interview (she already had an impressive knowledge of my medical history, and she dug for a bit more dirt that Western practitioners just don't ask about), explained everything she wanted to address and how she'd do it, and then she needled me. She subscribes to a balance of TCM and traditional Western medicine philosophies. Interesting stuff.

Work is calling, so I'll post again later with a few details about the needles, ETC.

I love the java jive, and it loves me

Last night I did some crowing about how easy I found it to step off caffeine. I've been drinking 1/3-caf coffee at home for years now and can usually cut all the way back fairly quickly. Naturally I fell off that particular wagon first thing this morning. My third steaming mug of full-caf Starbucks Winter Blend (leftover from Christmas) is pepping me up right now.

I stayed up working until midnight last night because I need to get ahead a little so that I don't fall behind with all the IVF-related appointments 'n' junk. Actually, I am behind, despite best efforts, but I should catch up by Friday. I meant to start at the crack of dawn today, but I did that yesterday and it turns out that burning the candle at both ends is one activity that confirms for me that I am not as young as I used to be.

So, I ignored DH's 5:15 alarm and got up at my regular time (6:30). I felt tired enough that I didn't think I could manage grinding fresh beans (which takes, what, half a minute?), and so I answered the siren call of the conveniently-ground Winter Blend. I am weak. But boy do I ever feel strong right now!

My goal is to be completely decaf by next Thursday when I start taking Lupron. Trying that yesterday was ill-conceived considering my work schedule this week. I also want to stay away from even decaf coffee as the cycle progresses. Who needs the chemicals. I am so conditioned to the comfort coffee brings me, though, that I might consider brewing a mug's worth each morning just to smell and see and fondle it.

And on that creepy note, I will sign off the blog until Friday.