Saturday, January 10, 2009

Awakenings

My New Year has officially started. Today, I mean. Yes, I'm behind the times. But I had some lingering business to wrap up before I could allow my head to think "2009." None of it was related to 2008's 3 IVFs or 2 doomed IVF-induced pregnancies; yet, somehow, because the work originated during the year in which said experiences dominated the main stage in my own personal IVFapalooza, I couldn't quite begin to close down the festival until I'd finished.

Did you follow that? How's this: I, just now, am starting to feel like my life beyond IVF and its various outcomes can proceed. It's good as bad things go. It's not what I wanted, but both my head and heart know it's time to move on.

All week long as I checked things off the list and got closer to this beginning, I noticed a realignment of my attention. The need to keep a single-minded focus faded, and the proverbial fog lifted. I saw many glimpses of the "me" I used to know:

Hey, that's right, you like to follow the news! Wait . . . how on earth did you forget the new business-related website you started building last year? That was a pretty good idea. Oh yeah, leaving the house can be fun! What's that? Are you singing in the car, just a little bit? Welcome back! Where have you been, anyway?

While waiting for my turn in the shower this morning, I toured my laughably messy home with newly open eyes (and ears). Along the way I closed a random closet door that must have been open since last June. I actually heard the annoying furnace noise DH has been grumbling about for ages (geez, it IS annoying). And I quickly envisioned a prioritized game plan for dealing with the physical chaos I saw.

Now, I know that the emotional wreckage in the house can't be cleared on a tidy little timeline, but I take comfort in knowing that swinging back into so-called normal activities will help DH and me keep going as we figure out what our future holds. What does our family look like? If this is "it," does the life we're living fit with that picture?

I'm awake now. I'm up. Wish me luck with that.

9 comments:

Erin said...

I do wish you luck with that. I'm right beside you, trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered life, taking small steps, lists. I know that "spring in the step" feeling. Last week I found myself smiling frequently and quite frankly feeling good. It felt like the person I was before IF killed my soul. I'm trying to find her. I have a feeling our sprits are sitting together at some watering hole on the Mediterranean Sea, laughing and drinking in life... waiting for us.

Hugs,
E

Beautiful Mess said...

Awww what a sweet comment Erin left! The last line made me tear up. I'm so happy that your getting back there. Seeing everything can be jarring, but it's also refreshing. Good lick, sweetie! You have a lot of people backing you up!
Hugs,
-D

Opus #6 said...

Much love to your and Erin.

Lisa said...

Oh yeah, I'm sure my spirit would love to join Erin's for a seaside lark! For the moment, though, I picture her still sitting in the corner I mentioned a while back but looking straight at me now, saying "Let's go."

Tara said...

I am glad to hear from you. Erin said it so eloquently. I am glad you are making progress picking up the pieces. I have been praying for you. I hope you find the peace you need to find a new path. Much love, my friend.

2roads said...

I think of you often and you have all my best wishes full of luck. I'm glad you are singing again.

Polly Gamwich said...

Good luck! That is so very difficult. I so get that coming out of the fog feeling ... though I'm not there now. I'll be interested to see how things evolve in your heart.

Ms Heathen said...

Wishing you strengh and courage as you begin to pick up the pieces, and thinking of both you and Erin at that watering hole on the Med - what a wonderful image!

mylifechronicles said...

I feel the same way. A renewed sense of feeling... thoughts about getting back life and living it for ME! It is wonderful... isn't it?

Lets hope that the feeling lasts! :)