Thursday, July 5, 2012

Tupac had a point

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened . . . or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on." 
—Tupac Shakur

For me, this applies to infertility and all of its effects on a person's life. Especially on a couple's life together. Those pieces on the floor run the gamut. Big shards you can safely pick up and discard; smaller slivers that slice open a vein before you feel the blood flowing; tiny particles that fly off in all directions and  show up later to abrade you — maybe you notice the grit when you roll over in your bed, place your bare foot in a shoe, or rub your eye with your fingers.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Let the debriefing begin

I am, quite frankly, surprised to be writing in this space. But it (this space) has been calling to me in recent months — occasionally even poking me with a dull "Feel like posting?" stick, reminding me that I left the blog hanging. Just waiting for me to come back, catch it, and call it Done.

Some things in life just take a little time to get to, you know?

And now: It's time.

This was never going to turn into a life-without-children blog. That just doesn't fit me. And I can't possibly still discuss myself in terms of being infertile. I mean, I was infertile. That happened. But I don't call myself infertile now, more than three years after my last TTC hurrah. Infertility is not a theme that rules my everyday todays. How could it? As my brother once said when asked, years after a painful end to one chapter in his life (the short story is he did not get what he wanted), whether he harbored negative feelings about the different life's path he was forced to take: "That would be weird."

Do I wish things had gone another way for me? Please. Yes. Of course. Can I still connect with the pain of losing my chance at parenthood? I don't have to connect, really, because it's right there, part of my soul. But, to my brother's point, I've reached the time at which I can't hold that pain against the Rest of My Life.

So here I am, blogosphere! Ready to start writing the posts that will help me articulate the journey from there to here. From my infertile end to my new days in which it makes sense to bring closure to this blog.

I have no idea how long my debriefing process will take. Not too terribly long, I trust. But the only thing I need to know right now is that I'm doing it.

And that, I am.