Friday, March 20, 2009


Randomness from the new life (because Spring is here):

I have not one clue what Cycle Day I am on.

I had a difficult time locating my thermometer a few days ago (the BBT type). Oh, and I needed it to check the doggie's temp, not mine.

Instead of trotting out my stock "Nope, just a dog" in response to an old friend asking me on Facebook whether I have kids, I gave the more authentic reply that went, essentially, "No — wanted them, didn't happen." Telling the whole brief truth didn't even hurt.

I invited PEOPLE over to dinner . . . at MY HOUSE . . . much like I used to do before spending too much time rolled up in a figurative ball of helpless angst, trying to predict what might happen/not happen next in my own Lifetime-friendly slasher movie Nightmare on I(V)F Street. (Note: I call total Dibs! on capitalizing on that idea.)

I had an unexpected little crying jag last night and made it to the bathroom before DH noticed. The significance? This was the first outburst in 6 days. I've now doubled the earlier hard-won record!

And, I've made a pile of things I need to purge from the house. Strangely, they all came in 3s (3 being the number of major surgeries I underwent for the cause; years of TTC effectively wasted before getting the "right" RE; pregnancies I experienced; IVFs we did; and pretty embryos put back during the final hurrah): pregnancy books; pregnancy exercise DVDs; deeply discounted body-transitions-friendly shirts I bought after seeing IVF #2 Baby's heartbeat; collectible teddy bears I've saved since my youth for the vague notion of a future child; my old dance recital costumes that were sent to me "to pass on"; and bottles of fertility-enhancing supplements (which, btw, proved harmful in my case . . . those will be trashed). These things must go.

Monday, March 9, 2009


I'm visiting my parents this week. Yesterday my mom said how proud she and my dad are of me "after all this."

I found it trippy to think that anyone's pride might be attached to me for such a reason. I know they are just glad to see for themselves that I'm living and breathing and working on kicking myself down the road. But. It felt weird to hear it expressed in that way.