It's Friday, already, huh. I finally heard from one of the clinic's IVF nurses late yesterday. She told me that Dr. K was out of town (and had been) and had "just seen in her email" what happened with us on Sunday. Dr. K wanted the nurse to call right away to express concern, see if I needed anything, let me know she was sorry and that "this was not expected at all."
The nurse said, "So how are you doing?"
Long pause from me as I thought about how all of the "expected" words capture squat. "Life goes on, right?" I said.
That Dr. K didn't even know the result until yesterday deviates from what Doctor clearly told us on Sunday. But, her reaction is totally in line with the rest of my experience with her. And DH and I both think that if there's a weak communication link in this scenario, it is the Sunday boob. He must have been mistaken that Dr. K was home watching the procedure. Maybe that's what she'd normally be doing on a Sunday off, when she's not on vacation. I didn't mention this to the nurse. It's not her issue.
I did say that I was stunned and disappointed that it took so many days to hear from anyone. She apologized, profusely, and said that the cycle nurse I've been working with is also on vacation. I just fell off the radar. She asked about my reaction to the anesthesia, lingering pain/ovarian discomfort, etc., and I just had to say, "You know, I do appreciate your asking, but by now I obviously know that I have no need for medical assistance."
Am I still a bit bloated? Do I need a stretchy-cushy bra? Am I getting daily HCG-induced foot and leg cramps? Is my skin falling off from the doxycycline? Am I still spotting a little? Yes. But all of that is normal. None of it is unexpected.
The nurse gave me her direct line and a sincere invitation to call anytime. My cycle nurse will be back before Dr. K (end of next week) and will call pronto. Or relatively so. Then I'll schedule something with the doc, who "REALLY wants to discuss options" with me. I'm not being sarcastic here. It's what the nurse said, and I believe it.
Problem is, I already know the options. There are other protocols out there. Much better ones for me, most likely. But we just did the one IVF we felt we could afford to do with my eggs. And we have paid for it.
We felt somewhat steeled for coping with a failed cycle. In many respects, I'd already grieved my fertility and come out the other side. Hope was there, yes. Otherwise we wouldn't have done it. But we hadn't given serious consideration to this particular possibility.
Wednesday night I said, "This was supposed to be transfer day." DH squeezed me and said, "I know. It's actually the first day I thought we could get really bad news."
It feels to me like we didn't really do a cycle. Like we were just pulled out of the game. To paraphrase a local ad we used to mock, "The whole experience was anticlimax."
Pity party done. It is sunny here, I'm caught up on work (for the morning, anyway), and I think it would be fun to wake my office-buddy dog with an unexpectedly early invitation to walkies. She will go pazzo for it.