Breakout

I woke up singing this song today. I mean that literally. My foot hit the floor, and I sang at my wagging pup's face, "Lay down the law, shout out for more, breakout and shout day in/day out, BREAKOUT!"

I don't know when I heard it last, and I didn't realize that I knew any lyrics. I do know that last night I said "Swing out, sister" to the dog (I'm alone, 'member?). She was twirling around the room in joyful anticipation of a beefy dental bone, and it just seemed to fit. I also know that as I drifted off last night, I thought back to the first time I was told that a hysterectomy was in my best interest. That was in 1987. The same year the song came out in the U.S., I see! FREAKY, no?

I almost took that uterus-removal advice. Obviously, though, I didn't, and all that is a story I'm not telling today. What I AM telling is that I went to bed thinking I wouldn't change the past. And today I woke up to a new attitude and a new cycle. (Howdy, Auntie F!) Where yesterday I was wallow-y, today I am ready to go.

I called my assigned nurse this a.m. and asked for more deets about the antagonist protocol Dr. K recommended. IFFY we try IVF again, this is my sketchy understanding of what we'll do (I didn't take notes or search the protocol, so I may be missing something):

I'd monitor for ovulation this cycle, go in for a 7 dpo progesterone test, and then take an antagonist shot at some appropriate time after that to suppress ovulation for the next cycle. No BCPs (it's part of their SOP, but she let me say no to it w/no fuss) and no Lupron. Minimal suppression all around. A week after the shot, I would start Follistim and Menopur (not sure about dosages). Once the follicles grew to 11–12 mm, I'd do another antagonist shot to prevent a natural O. Trigger to follow when things look ready. If all went okay, we'd hope to at least get as far as finding an egg or two at retrieval.

Just to be clear, DH and I have not made a decision. But I can tell you that as of today, I want to try again. The thing I keep coming back to is that had we canceled at anytime prior to the attempted retrieval, our plan was to eat the costs of the first part of the cycle and try again. IVF is supposed to be our best-possible shot at conceiving. Statistically speaking, it's supposed to be our only shot. So how can we say we tried if we don't go through a full cycle? If we come up empty at ER again or we get eggs but no fertilization and thus no transfer, well, that's another ball of wax. I wouldn't feel compelled to do another trial. But those are MY feelings. Today.

DH gets a say, for sure. I know he knows I know what I want to do. I know this because I described the basic protocol the other day and saw his knowing "I know you know what you want to do" look.

All he said then was, "When does Finance tell us what portion of the cycle fee we're getting back?"

"As soon as I ask them," I replied. Now would be a good time to do that.

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Other things that inspired me this morning —

Quote of the day from my planner:

"There's as much risk in doing nothing as in doing something." —Trammell Crow

Today's literary quote on my home page:

"Gardens are not made by singing, 'Oh, how beautiful,' and sitting in the shade." —Rudyard Kipling