Sunday, May 11, 2008

Shaking it off

It's been 3 hours since my most recent IVF-2ww meltdown. I've cried. Stared at Meet the Press. Breakfasted. Showered. Injected. Hugged the doggie hard. Now I'm just waiting for the mall to open. Can't think of anything I need, but I'm willing to look around.

I'm not the least bit worried about seeing Mother's Day shoppers/brunchers/mothers, btw. My sincere feeling is that someone else's mommy-ness does not affect my fertility or failure to conceive. One thing has nothing to do with the other. In a funny way, I think being out among the living, and life-giving, will make me feel more normal today.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, no, I haven't given up hope. I will keep shooting up the PIO, prayingfor/visualizing success, and behaving as though I just might be pregnant until AF or seriously negative betas tell me otherwise.

BUT, I will not pretend that I don't *think* all my typical markers for an imminent AF aren't going to lead to AF. I'd just be lying. And throwing logic out the window.

Of course I know that anything is possible. It's possible that 1 + 2 will not = 3 this time. Perhaps what I always thought was 1 + 2 was actually always, say, 1.5 + 1.5 . . . or maybe what's really going on here is 1 + 2 for now and another + 1 will join the equation in the coming days, totally throwing evil 3 for a loop. (Still with me?)

So, cheers to you, Possibility. I will stand happily surprised and corrected should you make yourself known.


Lisa said...

Lisa, I am sorry your body is showing all of it's familiar signs that AF is coming. I hope you're wrong. I won't say chin up and all that jolly rot, though. I know that sucks and I don't want to add anything to your already weighty feelings.

When is your beta?

Evil Stepmonster said...

Sometimes a bit of retail therapy is exactly what is needed to calm the soul. I hope it helps this time.

Sorry if your body is nor cooperating with the plan. But I'm defiantly hopeful that you may be surprised.

Take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the supportive words, guys. I didn't buy a thing today, but I sure did give EVERYTHING the once-over!

Lisa, my beta isn't till Friday (the nurse moved it up from Saturday for me).

HeidiM said...

Hoping that another couple numbers will join your equation. And I like your attitude about being out and about with the mom's day crowd. I'm personally always happy to pass a prego lady hoping someting will magically and invisibly rub off on me.

Ms Heathen said...

I'm so sorry that your body is sending out all the wrong signals - I know how difficult it can be to hold out hope when experience is telling you otherwise.

Oh, and why is it that, when we are most in need of retail therapy, we can never find anything that we want to buy?

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

Just like you, I did some retail therapy on Mother's Day and it's great, especially when it gets us down.

I'm sorry about how you'd think that everything is just not going right at the moment. I really hope things do get better for you.


ps i've been in and out of your blog for the past couple of months. like you, i've been struggling with infertility for some time. i don't know how this works but i've tagged you in my blog.

Opus #6 said...

Gosh, I sure hope you get that cliche-ish surprise bfp. "I felt like AF was coming and waited and waited and I was PG!" Please, please please!