Sunday, August 2, 2009

Hair of the dog

Having decided that perhaps I've actually climbed out of the deepest ditch of grief related to all . . . this, I've recently tasked myself with curing what I view as my lingering IF hangover.

Doing so involves actively adding things back into my life that I've avoided for the past 7 or 8 months. I'm talking things that I associate with IF, treatments, The Clinic, and/or loss — but that still have a place in my real life, post bender.


Consult with the acupuncturist that helped me through the IVFs. I don't think I've blogged about this . . . but as my body chemistry tries to reclaim its formerly glorious groove after treatments/pregnancy, I've been experiencing bouts of pronounced hormonal hijinks that result in, among other things, regular pains to the head. It all started with biweekly migraines (December through March) before settling into a much more palatable pattern of lesser — but still sometimes sick — headaches: I can expect them at O time, the middle of the LP (hello, Estrogen Dip), just before Auntie F shows, and then one more time as AF sputters to an uncomfortable end.

The clinic's primary acupuncturist has agreed to help me ease into a new hormonal "normal." Mostly using (inexpensive) herbs, and also with occasional needlings. I've clearly gotten better on my own with time, increased exercise, and learning how to recognize/respond to signals in time to help either preempt or soften any head games. But, these spells (or whatever the hell) are disruptive to my typical days of otherwise feeling healthy, sane, and not so sad. Time to take care of it.

Get back to using a few, but not all, of the supplements I used to enhance fertility. Some I do not need. But others really help keep my perimenopausal (one can only assume) system on an even keel, and adding them back in — after going cold turkey, mind you — has helped with the headaches and, by default, my general mood.

Put a new mammogram appointment on the books. I canceled 2 appointments in 2008 due to pregnancy. Continuing to put off scheduling one now helps no one.

Do the business of life near both local clinic branches (when it makes sense to). That means eating at at area restaurants, visiting the acupuncturist's near-one-clinic's office, patronizing a favorite market, and feeling zen about driving through the 2 rather large swaths of the greater metro area I'd been completely avoiding.

Schedule more visits with family, both here and there. This is no small thing. I did visit my parents in March (which was difficult not because of them, but because it took SO much energy for me to act okay), but we need to put ourselves back in circulation as a couple, as our special brand of family unit. As it stands right now, some of our people are coming here in September, and we are visiting others in December.

Bow out or in, as I like. I'm cutting out a few things I took on during my flinging phase (which was good for me, btw) that I just do not want to do. I'm also getting back into a couple of things I gave up but came to realize weren't an actual problem.

plan what to do with that extra bedroom. You know, for a couple of months (okay, 4 or 5), my desire to sell the house was strong. It's bigger than we need and not of the style/location we'd have chosen had we known. But now is not the time for us to sell. I'm over the intense resentment I felt toward the house and ready to peacefully exist in it until it truly is time to move on. That room must be good for something.

Call the clinic to settle a couple of things. Namely, (1) to find out whether we have any sort of credit on account and how quickly a refund might be issued if we do (although I'm pretty sure we don't), and (2) to donate DH's banked swimmers to research or something so we can stop paying the storage fee.

File last year's freaking taxes. That's right, I got an extension. The 2008 filing will include big fat mention of our big fat out-of-pocket medical expenses. I couldn't deal with it in January and didn't feel that much better about it come April. I'm ready to clear the air of it now, though. Hoping Uncle Sammy won't get all curious. We certainly have all receipts and such, but still. That part makes me nervous.

Things to do, things to do!


Mrs. X said...

I think this sounds wonderful - You've had some shitty lemons handed to you, but you are making some damn fine lemonade.

I look forward to hearing your updates.

Beautiful Mess said...

You're doing it, love! You're facing all of it. I'm thinking about you and sending you lots of love.

MLO said...

It takes time - but you are making it through better than you might believe.

Polly Gamwich said...

Lisa: hugs to you ...

I only know how hard it is to get back up on the horse after a failed cycle/pregnancy ... but to get back up on the horse of life when deciding not to do more treatment ... I can't imagine.

I'm sorry you're going through all the headaches too boot, as you navigate connecting with family, feeling safe to drive in certain areas, reconciling with the extra room, etc.

Wish I could give you a hug,

Shinejil said...

Reclaiming all that space, time, and energy for yourself is brilliant.

Like Mrs. X, I look forward to reading more about your new journey.

Tara said...

I am proud of you.

You are a wonderful friend and I am so thankful to have "met" you out here in blog-land.

Sending you many hugs -

Lost in Space said...

Hi Lisa. Stopping by from Lost and Found...

We just stopped treatment after our third failed IVF in February and I only feel as if I am now starting to come out of some of the fog.

I'm so sorry for your losses and for the long journey you have been on through all this.

Venturing back out into life can be so overwhelming and scary and full of setbacks, but we keep trying one uncomfortable situation at a time until we find our new "normal".

I'm sorry you're at this point. It really sucks, huh? Hope you don't mind if I add you to my reader. It would be nice to compare notes along the way.