Saturday, January 24, 2009

I've been flinging myself

No, I haven't been flinging myself off anything. Mostly I've just been flinging myself at everything. As many things as I can think of and as soon as I can think of them. I've joined new groups and resurfaced in old ones. I've drummed up lots of work. I've made travel plans. I've volunteered for volunteer duty. You name the activity unrelated to TTC and ART, and I've probably done it, planned to do it, planned to plan to do it, or looked into it and said "Pass."

What else can I do, really?

You see, DH and I have officially decided — and confirmed aloud while in the same room — that we're done trying to add to our family. (I'll save the whats and whys for another time.) That ship has sailed and sunk with no survivors . . . unless you count the two of us. We're alive, functioning fairly well even, but I can't necessarily say that "we" survived or that "I" did or "he" did. We're different as individuals and we're different as a couple. And we are still in flux.

Of course change happens to everyone, everywhere, every day, every way. But this is one of those wacky periods in which our identities are changing at warp speed. They have to for us to keep going. Flinging helps me deal.

I don't mind saying that I hate the ride right about now. Or that I refuse to call it a roller-coaster. (I quite enjoy that ride. It's innocent and FUN.) But I am still strapped in and holding on to my dearest DH for dear life or whatever payoff surely must exist.

*****

"Smile, Please" is an appropriate theme song around our house at the moment, with me dedicating it to DH on even days and him returning the favor on odd ones. There are brighter days ahead.

11 comments:

Mrs.X said...

I have no doubt that this was a difficult decision, but I so hope that making the decision has brought you some peace. And you both are certainly survivors, perhaps more so than if you had managed to add to your family. You managed to make it through the trial by fire without the baby at the end and you are still living life to its fullest. That is a huge deal and you shouldn't give in to the urge to diminish it.

And, I love Stevie Wonder. Seriously good choice.

Erin said...

Fling away. I salute you for surviving, and you HAVE survived. Whatever it takes to bring peace, do it. I'm a survivior too who has given up. You are a hero to me.

Lisa said...

I hope that the journey of learning the new you, and the new dh, is one of healing and a return to hope and meaning for you in your life.

I keep you in my thoughts, friend. One foot in front of the other, for as long as it takes.

Opus #6 said...

If you have any more time left for flinging, have you read the Twilight Saga? 4 books that suck you in like a drug. You won't be able to get enough.

Lisa said...

MA, I haven't read that series yet, but I need to!

Tara said...

I hope that you will find the peace you deserve after such a long fought battle. I admire your strength through this journey and appreciate your perspective.

Never forget that you are a survivor...we may not have those pink ribbons, but, sister, we ARE survivors.

mylifechronicles said...

Anything and everything non-TTC sounds like a good thing right now.

This journey has been a tough, challenging, and a life-changing one. And it is a journey that is pursued until we are at peace with the result -- whatever the result maybe! And you have inspired me to believe in that more than ever! So thank you. I look up to you.

Evil Stepmonster said...

I found this great quote when I was getting ready to make this decision myself.

"Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go"
Sylvia Robinson

Ms Heathen said...

This must have been a very difficult decision, Lisa, and one which it will take a long time to come to terms with.

I wish you peace and, eventually, joy as you embark on this new journey. It takes remarkable strength and courage to emerge from the fires of infertility - as so many others have said, you are a survivor.

Opus #6 said...

I have a blogging award for you on my blog.

Polly Gamwich said...

Keep flinging! (as a matter of fact, I'll bet that's where you've been for 6 days) ...

I have to say I'm not sure how you're surviving ... I can't do the dishes let alone drum up business or volunteer.

My heart aches for you ... but I'm proud of you for doing SOMETHING to keep going. It's all so much.

Big hugs,
Polly