Friday, July 25, 2008

Mother's Day turned 100 this year?

How did I miss that one? This year marked its 100th birthday. I realize this is old news. I spent that day in a bad state, then a slightly better one, all but certain that the IVF hadn't worked. But I find it odd that I would have missed news of such a milestone. I must have practiced lots of selective hearing around that time.

If I didn't know that tidbit before, I know it today. Now, this is not a rant about Mother's Day. It just happens to factor into my little anecdote.

You see I received some floral deliveries on Wednesday. (I aged this week!) One arrangement came from someone with whom I've had a difficult time communicating since the miscarriage. Said Someone (SS) found a bizarre way to make my experience all about SS. Quite a feat, that.

Anyway, SS's flowers withered, so I pitched 'em this morning and set about washing the decorative vase. My heart stopped when I noticed something I hadn't before — a painted-on seal that said something like* "Mother's Day 2008 — 100 Years of Celebrating Moms."

My thoughts ran like this:
  • Did SS select this from the Mother's Day menu and just not notice?
  • Did SS mean to communicate that I am in some way a mother?
  • Well, I was pregnant on Mother's Day 2008 . . . is the Universe warning me to remember it because that's the only one I'll ever get?
  • Why am I feeling sooo annoyed with SS when I'm sure SS had no idea about the seal?
  • And why am I angry with myself for even having that got-kicked-in-the-gut feeling after feeling fairly decent all week?
I am thoroughly satisfied that this was just an unusual coincidence. Yet I can't quite get over feeling annoyed that the item came from SS. Probably, I'm annoyed that I can't justifiably be annoyed with SS about it. SS is totally innocent of malice here, but I'm still hanging on to some negative feelings about an earlier scenario we'll call "Your Miscarriage Is a Particular Hardship for Me — and, By the Way, I've Felt Much Worse Than You're Feeling Right Now."

Or, maybe the real source of my "annoyance" has nothing to do with SS or the vase and everything to do with losing a baby.

Hard to say. Just riding it out and writing it out . . .

*I threw that sucker into the trash, so I can't double-check.

No comments: