Thursday, July 17, 2008

Now is later

Here's something I haven't blogged about:

DH and I recently suffered a big blow in our lives separate from the miscarriage. Call it a personal family crisis. The kind that comes out of nowhere and cuts you off at the knees. But we didn't miss a day, and we are still here. Still committed to each other, certain that we love each other as much or more than ever, and positive that the last 18 years have been as great and as real and as worth it as they come.

Hope nobody minds that I won't be mentioning details. I realize bringing up a "big blow" without describing it opens the doors of speculation. But I can't help that, and probably whatever you're thinking is wrong, and worse. I just needed to (cryptically) post about it to free me from the feeling that I'm not addressing something that's occupying just as much of my energy as healing from the miscarriage right now.

I will say with complete confidence that, thank god, both DH and I are IN this life we created together, together. All the way. For better. For worse. So we will work through this spate of all-around life crap. It's hard, though.

We've been seeing a counselor that deals with IF and related marital issues. Some of her input has been helpful, lots of it hasn't. We'll see which way that table turns, but the act of talking with a third party has been beneficial in itself and may be the most valuable thing. We do talk at home on our own, too, but the therapist definitely asks questions that we aren't likely to voice ourselves. Our main concerns are (1) making sure we deal with our current grief/pain in a healthy way, and (2) making quick work (as quick as is reasonable) of figuring out what we're going to "be" as a family. Will we continue TTC on our own for a specified time? Will we pursue other ART options? Adopt? Live child free? We've made those decisions before, obviously — several times — but we have to do so again with nothing but a cold, hard, objective look at where we are NOW. What's done is done. What's failed has failed. What we can't achieve we can't achieve. I need a goal that we can attain . . . and one that we can both live with when we get it.

Of course I've gotten tons of advice from family — it's all related only to what we should/shouldn't feel, do, or say about the miscarriage and continuing or stopping the quest to start a family. (We don't discuss our personal marriage biz with the fam. We didn't used to discuss our family-planning efforts, either, but cluing people into the IVF kinda opened that can of worms.) Gotta love 'em anyway and screen more calls.

This brings up my urge to present a video moment. Haven't slapped one up in a while. Do you remember English Beat's "Save It for Later?" It's a current favorite on my iPod. I love the song but have never known or cared what it was about. Still not sure that I do, even after reading the lyrics. Hit play to take a gander.

I've been drawn to the snippet "Sooner or later / Your legs give way, you hit the ground / Save it for later." Mainly because I feel like I hit the ground twice in the past couple of months and have engaged in lots of saving "it" for later . . . for when I could handle it.

As my post title hints, now is later in my world. I've turned a corner and I'm standing, walking forward even. Funny how that always happens in life — if you're lucky, that is, which I know I am.

If I'm really lucky, I'll get to the next few laters after this one, too. Fingers crossed and heart open.


So what do the lyrics actually mean? will tell you!

English Beat singer/guitarist Dave Wakeling says of this song: "It was about being lost, about not really knowing your role in the world, trying to find your place in the world. So, you couldn't find your own way in the world, and you'd have all sorts of people telling you this, that, and the other, and advising you, and it didn't actually seem like they knew any better. So it was like keep your advice to yourself. Save it — for later."

Cool! Guess I could just feel some of that even though I still don't see it in the words or get the same sense from the video interpretation. Ha!


Jaime Lynne said...

Here's to hoping that your later later will be a lot brighter. And good luck with those decisions. Those who have not traveled this path cannot possibly understand it. I love that you suggested screening more calls. I find myself in that zone often! :)

bb said...

I love that song, and like you, I never really knew what it was about. I hope you continue to find peace (from whatever and every source possible). Hang on tight to hubby - mine was amazing as I grieved our first baby – as I suspect yours is as well. {{hugs}}

Anonymous said...

It's good to "hear" you and what you are thinking. I hope that whatever is going on in your life ends up making you stronger and your vision about where you are going more clear. I often feel that way about my journey...a lot of it stinks, but I *have* to find something good in it, or else what's the point? Sooner or later I do end up finding something to be grateful about in even the most painful things. I hope you do too.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you are doing all of the things you need to do to help get through this. Sending you lots of love and endurance vibes to continue this process. Love to DH, from me as well.


Ms Heathen said...

It is your blog, and you should feel able to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. It isn't up to us to speculate on what may or may not be going on in your marriage, but rather to offer you what support we can.

I hope that you and your husband manage to work through whatever issues you're facing - the strength of your love for each other shines through in your writing. The main thing is that you are talking - however difficult and painful it may be.