Tuesday, September 23, 2008

"We weren't even trying at all!"

I swear I hear/read a new story every other week about women in their 40s (like me!), barren for years (like me!), who get pregnant with a perfect sticky bean that turns into a perfect healthy baby just MINUTES before starting their IVF cycles (like . . . uh . . . well, crap).

Obviously I'm doing a little venting here. But not about the successes themselves. Those make me happy, honest. I'm not even whining about the circumstances I've described. I know that surprise pregnancies absolutely happen all the time to people gearing up for IVF or DE-IVF. Of course they do. Hearing about those make my day.

My little semantics vent is this: Why is the kicker to this particular story almost ALWAYS that these people "weren't even trying — AT ALL"? That detail is sticking in my craw tonight.

I'll allow that couples can, and certainly do, occasionally enjoy each other's company without an explicit conception agenda. And that those struggling with IF may have every reason to assume nothing will happen and so will be surprised by ANY kind of BFP.

You cannot persuade me, though, that couples in their 40s who are seriously TTC and pursuing ART don't know when they've had unprotected sex near a fertile window and don't think about on some level that maybe, God willing, they will beat the odds and wind up pregnant by just doing what comes naturally.

So I contend that — for this type of couple — there is NO SUCH THING as a truly genuine incident of not trying* that leads to pregnancy.

That's my position, and I'm sticking to it.**


*I'm defining not trying as "no sex."
**That is, I'm sticking to it at least until I fall asleep in the next 2 minutes.
***Oh, and I take it all back and apologize to anyone I've rendered miffed. I suppose anything is freakin' possible! :)


Tara said...

I also love the people who swear that just by making an appointment with an RE for a consult will ensure they find themselves miraculously pregnant - without trying!!! :) Unfortunately, I do believe those situations are very few and very far between, but those are the only ones we hear.

My response is always - if you were "doing it" without any BCPs or other form of BC, then, sweetheart - YOU WERE TRYING!!! :)

Good luck with your upcoming cycle.

Polly Gamwich said...

I completely agree. I mean really if they are to the point of IVF or DE-IVF then come on ... they know a little about a fertile window.

I couldn't forget about it if I tried!!


Evil Stepmonster said...

Pam from Coming2Terms wrote a post a long while back saying that when you make the decision to stop ttc you should start using birth control. She suggests it is impossible to put that 'fertile window' out of your mind. Ever.

I agree totally. And the most annoying thing is that these people who say they 'weren't even trying' just add fuel to the "All you need to do is just relax" garbage.

Beautiful Mess said...

You are right! And I admit I've used that term "we weren't trying" and it is wrong. SO wrong! Thanks for your insight, it makes a lot of sense, even to my simple mind ;o)
Enjoy your day!

Jaime Lynne said...

ITA! It reminds me a little of those who suggest that starting the adoption process somehow miraculously means you will get pregnant. TFS.

Lisa said...

I've never been able to use the pert "and we weren't even trying!" phrase, but I plead guilty to using the "It happened on our first try!" one. :-/ Who knew.

I think people just want to feel as much like everyone else as they can. So when you've suffered from infertility and you finally end up preggers, you tend to use the common language, including the old wwet stand-by. You *know* it's not 100% accurate, but you assume that everyone knows what you really mean. I guess.

I'm so glad you're about to get another cycle going.

Tara said...

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