I still have my moments of dearly wishing I could bear a healthy baby that would turn into a child and then an adult that I'd live to see all grown up.* But. I don't believe that scenario is "in the cards," as they say. I know it's not, in fact.
Just so you know: This wistful wish is NOT on my mind at all times. I'm focused on other goals, on life at hand, and I definitely operate now according to our joint decision to cease and desist. I'm living for the present again and making all kinds of concrete, executable future plans based on our childless life.
I think — that as my newly imagined future continues to unfold — at some point I'll reach a stage of feeling fine that I never did have a child. That I might even think the whole situation is "okay."
What do you think? Don't we adjust our heartfelt perspectives to align with our rational, cold-hard-facts-based decisions?
*Please, no comments about how that could be accomplished.
Absolutely! I do agree that we do tend to adjust our perspectives (at least eventually) with reality.
I am kind of in the same place you are (and with the same blog format I might add), but I think I have been somewhat stuck here for a while. With both the wistful moments, and the focusing on other goals and concrete, fun plans for a childless couple.
Also, I try to actively notice and enjoy those moments when not having kids is an advantage. (Like when my neighbor, a mother of three, and I get home from work at roughly the same time, her with 2-3 kids, usually whining, and 70 lbs of sports equipment in tow, and me, heading to the couch to cuddle with my cat and a good book...)
Bottom line I think is that with the right attitude and time, there is a good life to be lived without children, but I think it will always smart at least a little bit, and sometimes more.
I second Alacrity's comments. Eight years after finishing treatments, I can't say that I feel "fine" about not having children -- but most days are good ones.
I'm with both Alacrity and loribeth. We do adjust our perspectives with reality, no matter what that reality is.
I 100% agree. I think in order to carry on, we must adjust our hearts and our minds to deal with what the Good Lord has given us to work with. I know IF is not a path I would have ever chosen...and, although, every story has a different ending, I had to adjust my heart to many situations I never dreamt I would or could face.
I am happy to hear from you and glad that you have the attitude to move forward and enjoy life, whatever that life may be.
Much love from GA -
I think our happiness with our life and the paths taken shifts and balances, which is not to say that we don't have sadness when we consider the other paths, but I think we always come out to a good stroll on the one we're on even if the first steps are so damn hard.
Wonderful post and wonderful comments. I'm in the same position - childless after IF, and I'm happy. I'm living in the present, and most days are good for me, too. I'm very happy that my husband and are adjusting to the future and even beginning to look forward to it. But you know what frustrates me? Since we've worked hard at adjusting and 'coping', most of our friends and family think that it wasn't that big a deal and that we're 'over it'. Well, it WAS and IS a big deal, our life is altered forever, and we would appreciate some compassion every now and then, please!!!
I certainly hope so for everyones sake. I agree w ith alacrity - concentrating on the good things helps with adjusting our hearts to meet the facts.
Here from blog round up. I think you are very much right. In reaching a point where I don't know how much more treatment will happen I've started thinking or planning what my child free life could look like and sometimes it looks pretty good. I think that finally reaching a point where I no longer feel sure motherhood will happen I've without thinking about it started to adjust my thinking or wanting to be ok with that.
I think sometimes we have no choice BUT to make adjustments, given our perspective, options and approach. there is a certain reality to be accepted, after all, and if we are to stay sane, we have to check in with it every now and again. even as it shifts.
I think we most definitely change our perspectives to move through to a place where we find our new "normal". I think there will always be subtle reminders of what our lives could have looked like, but for the most part we have to learn to accept where we are now to fully be happy.
I just found your blog...and read your history. My god. You have been through infertility hell. I am so sorry that your journey ended here as it did.
I'm still trying to get pregnant, at 44 (pushing 45) so I am not sure how I will cope if I wind up at the same point in the road. I think there will be a lot of my convincing myself that I did everything possible to have a child of my own and that it just wasn't something I could control. I know I'll sleep better knowing I did everything I could to have one, but it will never get rid of that aching spot in my heart.
I just don't know what it's going to be like when I come to that point. I really don't. I can only imagine how it will be.
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