Sunday, August 17, 2008

LIVE from the corner

Like my little corner? I took the photo to show faraway loved ones a close-up of how the new paint and carpeting on our main floor look with our furniture.

Looking at the pic right now makes me want to crawl into that space and live there. Just for a little while.

As a child, whenever I disappeared from view at home, you could bet I was actively escaping family frenzy by quietly hanging out in a tight spot that nobody else really thought about: the low crook of the massive oak out back; a sliver of plush green carpeting between the picture window and couch (we called it a "davenport" then); the small slab of countertop between the refrigerator and kitchen wall; the cave underneath the basement pool table; or — my favorite — the lighted corner of my tiny-but-packed bedroom closet (door tightly closed, please).

I craved the confinement. It helped me focus my thoughts.

I notice my house full of grown-ups fails to feature any cozy little retreats — with the notable (and terribly noticeable) exception of my piled-high-with-stuff office. That's where I'm sitting right now, taking one of my frequent stabs at thinking things through on the reproductive front. I'm refreshing my memory on treatment plans, giving my favorite search engine a workout, scanning a book with essays about choosing to live child-free, and looking at work calendars, finances, travel schedules, old journal entries . . .

I've had an absolute bear of a time keeping my office clutter-free ever since we began pursuing ART treatments. For a long time, I told myself the mess kept on top of ME (instead of the other way around) because I was so distracted, often harried, as we traversed the bumpy, medically assisted path to potential parenthood. But while moving piles around and definitely NOT making things appear any tidier this afternoon, I realized that I've created just the kind of hemmed-in retreat I used to need as a kid. I feel safe in my office. Wedged into the corner with my stuff. Comfortable, calm, protected, and in touch with my thoughts.

Eureka! An insight! I'd say that's progress, even if it's about the method to my madness.

I'm hoping to make the leap from insights to decisions very, very soon. Although I've obviously been taking strength from my little corner full of stacks 'n' stuff, I'm itching to raze the place.

1 comment:

Ms Heathen said...

As a child, I had lots of little hidey holes - secret places where I would retreat to for hours on end with only a book for company.

I'm glad you've found somewhere where you feel safe, and that things are beginning to seem a little clearer.