Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Willing away the hours

The D&C will finally happen tomorrow at 11:00 am. For a while it was scheduled for late in the day, so I was glad to have it moved up. Gotta tell ya, though, I spent a couple of days spittin' mad that there was NO room for it — and no way to make room — Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday . . .

It just seemed inhumane to give me the choice between waiting for a natural miscarriage and having the procedure — but then not providing me with that procedure quickly. It will happen 5 days after the confirmation of the loss and who knows how long after the actual end.

The nurse who's been following me since Friday was all but convinced that I'd m/c before the weekend was out. She implored me to pick up the pain meds prescribed for the procedure early. I did (she scared me into it), but I really don't think I'll need them.

I'm cramping all the time now. Mostly in spates of dull aches with occasional sharp pains that take me by surprise. Haven't started bleeding yet, a favor for which I'm so grateful. I took "the law" into my own hands with this and continued my progesterone until the surgery got scheduled once and for all. It doesn't hurt anything and won't affect the procedure, but it may be helping keep the bleeding at bay. I can tell, though, that I must not be producing much progesterone on my own. I can sort of feel it leave my system, and that's happened earlier and earlier each day.

I ended up taking today through the end of the week off from work. I worked over the weekend and was doing pretty well yesterday. My hormones are falling, I think, and I'd work, dissolve into sobs, then feel good and work some more before something assaulted my senses and made me lose it. I was happy with the system. Then I got a single normal/no-big-deal-at-all request to follow up on a project. Someone needed information that would typically take me, oh, an hour to provide. She knew about other stuff I'm working on and so wanted to know when I'd be able to get back to her.

I still can't quite believe my reaction to that, but it was not good. I didn't just lose it, I sent it speeding off a cliff inside a burning car so it could smash to bits and pieces on the rocks below. I'd been living, hour by hour, focusing on how I'd meet all work obligations without incident (read: w/o having to tell anyone anything was amiss). I'd work up until leaving for the procedure tomorrow, then be back at it right away Thursday. I could use the weekend to make up for lost time Wednesday and any time I spent weeping Thursday. And by next Monday, June 30, I'd be all caught up, on time with everything, and able to take a breather for a couple of days to, oh, do some stuff around the house and maybe start working out again. That one hour of extra work was NOT going to fit in anywhere.

I'm laughing a little bit at my crazy.

In any case, yesterday's afternoon breakdown was good for me. It made me see that I can't, in fact, act like nothing is wrong. I know I will get through it. But I have to give myself a break. And making a few schedule changes was the least I can do toward that end.

All I want right now is to get home from the clinic tomorrow and start the healing.


Evil Stepmonster said...

You're right, a breakdown can be necessary and unavoidable. Throw the work schedule to the wind and just be gentle with yourself. I am sorry for the delay with the procedure, that was cruel. I'll be thinking of you today.

Polly Gamwich said...

As if it's not painful enough to have to endure losing your baby ... but to have to sleepwalk through these days having too many obligations met, quietly suffering, unable to tell a soul ... while you just suffer in wait. I get it. I so get it.

I too pray for your healing to overwhelm you, both emotionally and physically.

I'm so sorry about your loss. My heart just breaks for you and your DH.

Sad for you,

Sweetpea said...

You must be hurting on so many levels that I can't even imagine how you get through the day right now. I hope the worst of the pain will be easing soon and that you get to start healing. xxx

Ms Heathen said...

I'll be thinking of you as you go in for your surgery - it seems very cruel that you had to wait so long.

Be kind to yourself over the next few days, Lisa. As others have already said, let go of all your work commitments and allow yourself time to grieve.

Once again, I am so very sorry for your loss.

Joonie said...

I know it's hard and there are a lot of emotions and hormones running around your system and they hit you unexpectedly, but try to be good to yourself. Allow yourself an occasional break down or outpouring of emotions, whatever it takes.
I am so sorry for your loss. Just know that I am thinking of you.

Anonymous said...


The dramatic loss of hormones adds to the physical and emotional pain and makes you go crazy. Its' awful and I am so angry that you have to go through this.

Keep writing, keep crying, and the pain eases a bit, but it just sucks.

Thinking of you.


Anonymous said...

Lisa, you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I want so much to offer comfort and help, but it seems there are no words that are enough to really get that across. Please know that if you need anything, your friends are a call or email away.

Joy said...

I've lurked on your site before, and shared in your joy when you got the bfp. Please know that I am also sharing in your grief. You are not alone. I know that I am a stranger to you, but know that people do care, I am listening.