Friday, March 19, 2010

Hey blog, you still here? Yeah, I am too.

I haven't completely settled into this new post-TTC life, you know. That's not to say that I'm not productive and busy, or that I'm without happiness or purpose or song. It's just that, gee whiz, moving on from the TTC life — which to me now also includes my pre-TTC life, which in turn includes the vision of life-with-family I somehow always had, even before I opened my eyes to it — is a more arduous task than I expected.

As for the grieving process, I did that up right, let me tell you. I felt it. Or more to the point, I let myself feel it. (Something I haven't always done when I should.)

True, there's no distinct end to grieving deep-down loss of any kind. It will always be there. It will always be not there. But despite having come a long, LONG way since last year at this time, I'm still wondering when. WHEN do I truly cross over into the light? No, not into the big white light. (Not ready!) Just into a rough approximation of the light I always lived in before, even during the darkest of times.

I know the light is there, waiting for me to reconnect to it. I feel it glancing my face sometimes, maybe even every day now. But I'm still living with a heaviness that keeps me in check. I walk around with that hint of a lump in my throat, that vague ache in my gut. Tiny afflictions that others can't really see. Well, that's not true. I'm sure others see those things in me. They just don't know it.

Oh, I smile easily, and I mean it when I do it. I just need to keep looking forward to looking forward to the day when my smile gets back to the business of being "my smile."

6 comments:

Tara said...

beautiful post. beautiful. I pray each day gets easier...and that the smiles come more frequently.

Lost in Space said...

This one really struck a cord with me - in a very relatable "thoughts I have, but don't know quite how to express" kind of way.

I really hope that smile once again becomes "your smile"...

Anonymous said...

Oh...your post drags on my heart...hits a core weakness in me...because even though things eventually worked out for me, I can look back at my '4 years' of infertility treatment (5 years of TTCing)and I see how much I wasn't 'me'. I was walking in a fog...putting life off 'until'...

This is such an insidious fog...you don't know how deep you are in it, until you glance back.

I want you to come out, come to your 'smile' naturally...but I don't know how to possibly help you along. I have no helpful advice...

Because I look at my own situation and fear that if my life had not taken the turn that it did...would I still be back there??

You are always in my thoughts...

Rebecca (face:))

Lisa said...

Thanks for the support, girls. :)

Polly Gamwich said...

Happy to see this post. I hope things only get better from here.

Lonely Desires said...

mumbai escorts services

escort models mumbai

south indian actress escorts chennai

bollywood actress escorts

escorts in dubai