Friday, March 20, 2009


Randomness from the new life (because Spring is here):

I have not one clue what Cycle Day I am on.

I had a difficult time locating my thermometer a few days ago (the BBT type). Oh, and I needed it to check the doggie's temp, not mine.

Instead of trotting out my stock "Nope, just a dog" in response to an old friend asking me on Facebook whether I have kids, I gave the more authentic reply that went, essentially, "No — wanted them, didn't happen." Telling the whole brief truth didn't even hurt.

I invited PEOPLE over to dinner . . . at MY HOUSE . . . much like I used to do before spending too much time rolled up in a figurative ball of helpless angst, trying to predict what might happen/not happen next in my own Lifetime-friendly slasher movie Nightmare on I(V)F Street. (Note: I call total Dibs! on capitalizing on that idea.)

I had an unexpected little crying jag last night and made it to the bathroom before DH noticed. The significance? This was the first outburst in 6 days. I've now doubled the earlier hard-won record!

And, I've made a pile of things I need to purge from the house. Strangely, they all came in 3s (3 being the number of major surgeries I underwent for the cause; years of TTC effectively wasted before getting the "right" RE; pregnancies I experienced; IVFs we did; and pretty embryos put back during the final hurrah): pregnancy books; pregnancy exercise DVDs; deeply discounted body-transitions-friendly shirts I bought after seeing IVF #2 Baby's heartbeat; collectible teddy bears I've saved since my youth for the vague notion of a future child; my old dance recital costumes that were sent to me "to pass on"; and bottles of fertility-enhancing supplements (which, btw, proved harmful in my case . . . those will be trashed). These things must go.


Lorraine said...

LOVE that David Bowie, my over-the-years favorite.

just want to say, in spite of a crying jag you sound like a person who really has come out the other side. Here I am, eying that possibility and wondering if it wouldn't just be nice to go back to dinner parties and cocktails out with my girlfriends...

Can I ask which supplements turned out to be harmful? I know that DHEA can be bad if you don't have low testosterone, but I hate to just assume that's what you mean.

Thanks, from a still-in-the-throes gal...

Anonymous said...

Lorraine - I'm throwing out old bottles (from years ago) of Fertility Blend, flax, and EPO, all of which were bad for my personal issues. I need to stay away from estrogenics, whether I'm TTC or not.

Hope you don't mind my saying that it's striking (to me) that it might read to anyone as though I've "come out the other side"!

Although I'd rate myself as "doing okay in the big picture," I'm VERY MUCH in the throes of trying to move on from the old life (which was built on the seemingly humble, reasonable dream of the life I wanted for myself). In fact, I'd say I haven't even scratched the surface of understanding what the new life will look like beyond the next few weeks/months. I'm functioning, sure, but definitely still fumbling around, stubbing my stupid toes, and making it all up as I go along.

Opus #6 said...

It is nice that you had friends over. Great idea.

Polly Gamwich said...

I can't imagine doing what you've done. I think about that though ... will there need to be that day? The day I move on?

I know it must seem strange to you, given that I'm so young. But honestly, b/c I have miscarriages and at some point I'm going to want to stop having miscarriages and keep having sex - I've actually considered doing something permanent to stop reproduction (the ultimate irony) ... but I simply can't see myself taking BCP's or temping all my life - it would be daily reminders of what's not ... whereas a surgery would seal the deal.

So although I seeminly have 9+ years to TTC, I'm not sure I'll emotionally make it that far. But now I'm definitely putting the cart before the horse.

Just wanted to say I'm proud of you - it can't be easy.

Tara said...

You go girl. I am proud of you and love you for all of your bravity. You are a true survivor.

Beautiful Mess said...

You are doing a great job, whether you think so or not. How are you suppose to get to where you need to, if you don't stumble? The important thing is you ARE getting back up. That, my friend, is amazing. Keep up the great work!

Anonymous said...

Polly - NO, your feelings do not seem strange to me at all. You have been through so much more than enough heartache on your journey. In your shoes I'd need to plan for the possibility of reaching my limit, too. I simply hope that your relative youth gives you the edge you need (and I realize you're facing unique-to-you challenges that perhaps the REs haven't quite mastered) to make all your efforts pay off so that you don't need to move on. I know it counts for something in this game, and I just want you (and Tara, and others) to benefit from it!

Anonymous said...

I'm so proud of you and think you are doing the best thing you can do to heal and move on to the next exciting chapter of your life.

Good luck and keep us posted!


Ms Heathen said...

Thinking of you as you take these first difficult steps towards your new life.

I know you may not feel it, but I think that you're being incredibly strong through all of this.

Polly Gamwich said...

just checking on how you're doing ... I know you've stopped in to see me, so if you're feeling up to it, I'm sure there are others too that would love an update on how you're doing ... but if you're not feeling up to it, that's ok too. I support you either way ;-)

Big hugs,